MY DAUGHTER, MYSELF

There’s a lot of talk among parents and individuals in general of which gender is easier/harder to raise: boys versus girls.  Are boys harder to raise?  With their bouts of testosterone fueled aggression and fragile egos?  Or are girls harder to raise?  With their eventual entrance into puberty and everything that comes with it?

Well, I can’t really speak to any of that with any sort of authority (my daughter Natalie is going to be 6 this year and my son Lucas will be 5).  What I CAN speak on are some of the concerns I already have NOW at age SIX with my daughter, just based on observation alone of what I call “little kid dynamics”.  While observing the past year of kindergarten, I’ve come to notice how certain personality aspects start to emerge, from girls specifically, EARLY ON and how pack mentality starts to form (otherwise know as the “mean girl” syndrome).



What do I mean by that?  Allow me to explain:

As most kids my daughter’s age, she is invited to numerous kiddie birthday parties from various kids in her kindergarten class.  Due to my guilt over being a full time working mom (even though said-job affords us many of the luxuries we all enjoy), I try to ALWAYS make it a point to attend ALL parties she’s invited to, in order to be able to spend time together and provide her an opportunity to socialize with her classmates.  Truthfully, it’s also an opportunity for ME to also socialize with the respective parents, and ensure that I’m KNOWN among the parent circle (I may work full time but I am still a very much PRESENT PARENT).  In any case, these social gatherings have allowed me to observe my daughter’s interaction with many of the kids, both boys and girls alike.  As time went on, I immediately began noticing certain aspects:

The boys were far friendlier with my daughter.  I noticed that when it came to the boys, they were just happy to have a partner to play with to chat with about whatever inane thing under the sun that’s fascinating to them. It’s hilarious but heartwarming too.  That and some high fives and they’re good to go.  The girls, however, were a very different story.  

My daughter Natalie has the combination of being confident but with a huge heart and she thinks the world of her “friends”.  That being said, when in these social environments, I observed that those girls that she felt were her “good friends” in my eyes were, well, not so much.  The dynamic felt more along the lines of again, Mean Girls, tolerating her presence with their little kindergarten “cliques”.  These cliques consisted of the type of kindergarteners who’s parents dressed them up in little "starter" heels, princess dresses and glittery make up for any celebration that comes up.

My daughter Natalie on the other hand, does not fit that mold at all (thankfully, in my mind).  She is very athletic, and comfortable with boys AND girls, since her younger brother is practically her twin and her best friend.  She’s always leaned towards an affinity for the maths and sciences, not to mention a love for superheroes like Captain Marval and the only princess she’s ever admired and wanted to emulate is Princess Lea.  She also punched her little brother in the stomach today at Walmart because they were just “playing”.

A prissy girl, she ain’t.

And while I LOVE those aspects about her because she’s a girl after my own heart, I can’t help but also WORRY for her.

When I was growing up in the 1980’s in the Washington Heights area of New York City, not only was I dealing with living in a crime ridden, drug ridden environment that my parents were CONSTANTLY working hard to shield me (and my brother and sister) from, but I was also living in an ALL DOMINICAN neighborhood.  Now, on the surface it doesn’t seem like a big deal, considering I am Dominican and my parents were both born and raised in the Dominican Republic. The problem was that I did not ACT like a “typical Dominican”.

Due to a father that was adamant about his children speaking English just as clearly and eloquently as their white counterparts, neither myself nor my siblings spoke English with any sort of accent (Dominican accent, New York accent, it didn't matter).  Our English was perfect, we excelled in school, consistently at the top of our class and for me, I was groomed and on track for eventually getting a scholarship to ideally an Ivy League school and moving out of the ghetto (which I did).

All of the above traits and actions, in the eyes of my fellow female Dominican “peers”, made me a “sell out” who “talked like a white girl” and thought I was “better than them”.  A nerd.  A fraud.  A poor example of a Latina.  With no street cred to boot.  And as a girl who didn’t have much confidence or self esteem, that sort belittling and ridicule really took its toll. It really wasn’t until college, when I was surrounded by all sorts of different cultures and people, that I started realizing that I wasn’t so “off” after all.

But I never forgot all those years living in Washington Heights when I was treated like, well, crap by my female counterparts for not fulfilling the stereotype of an inner city Dominican Latina.  Fast forward years later and my fear is that since we now live in Miami (a city heavily Latino), I worry about my daughter facing the same sort of ridicule and isolation I did. We even had an instance where we went to an American Girl Cafe birthday party and Natalie brought a small action figure, along with the mandated doll for the birthday party (the doll I bought at Target 30 minutes before the party, FYI).  One of the little girls at the party that she calls her “friend” proceeded to tell her at the party that her toy was “ugly” and “that it's not for girls, that’s for boys”.  The mother quickly reprimanded her but essentially this is the kind of mindset that Natalie’s going to be battling.

I am very much aware that she is not a “typical L

atina” either and I have not been grooming her to be that, instead, focusing on her academics, her activities/health, etc.  But, more than anything, I want her to focus on ENJOYING these years as kid, instead of growing up too quickly, too soon.  In my opinion, there will be many years in the future for high heels, make up, dresses, etc.  For now, what’s wrong with getting dirty in the mud and running around in the grass?

So do I worry about what my daughter might face in the future living in this very Latin environment and the kind of gender roles and cultural misogynistic overtones this city embraces.  But I know that at the very least, I can do everything in my part to ensure that regardless of our exterior environment, within our home, I am doing everything possible for her to grow up strong and confident and unflinching in who she is.  The same little girl that likes to breakdance and rough house with her brother is the same little girl that loves math and astronomy and the same little girl that loves to play in her mother's shoe closet and her mother's make up drawer.

It's called being well rounded and I see nothing wrong with that.

This past weekend we went to (another) kiddie birthday party, this time a costume birthday party where you can dress up as your favorite LOL Doll or your favorite superhero. My son came as a Power Ranger and my daughter showed up in her Captain Marval costume, and reveled in the joy and excitement that came with showing off her costume. 

At her age, I did not have anywhere NEAR the type of confidence that my daughter has and that brings me IMMENSE joy as well as comfort in knowing that I think she'll be okay.  At least I hope so.